


i'm a balloon (on a broken string)

by snowyxiu



Series: balloon (stray kids) [1]
Category: K-pop, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Moving, Suicide Attempt, felix thinks everyone is a cookie or smth, its bull yall, not graphic or v depressing, stan 3racha, wahoo!!!!, youll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:06:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22312213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowyxiu/pseuds/snowyxiu
Summary: lee felix sees sweetness in everyone but himself
Relationships: Bang Chan/Kim Woojin, Lee Felix/Original Character(s), Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: balloon (stray kids) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1606027
Comments: 10
Kudos: 81





	1. 1 - Hospitals and Hell

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dumbbottomenergy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumbbottomenergy/gifts).



> yes, i am reposting this, edited

"Now, would you tell me what you remember?"

Felix rolled his eyes and leaned back in the hospital bed. He had tubes up his nose and down his throat and a needle poked through his wrist. He was far from comfortable, and that question was not something he wanted to hear again. "I drank too much," he answered curtly, his voice sounding like he had only eaten sour Warheads for the past month.

The man—Felix couldn't remember his name—sighed and scribbled something on a clipboard. "How did you come to possess the alcohol? According to this record, it says you are seventeen years old. You can’t legally buy alcohol yet."

Felix shrugged. It had been from his friend who worked at the liquor store, but he wasn’t about to rat him out. Instead, he settles on, “I found it at the park.”

The man wrote that down too. “Do you remember anything else about last night?”

In truth, he did remember a bit. He had left his home late at night to make a run to the liquor store, then he had ended up drinking himself close to oblivion. The next thing he knew, he was in the hospital with nurses hovering over him, treating him like a pincushion. Of course, he wasn’t about to give the man everything he wanted.

"Would you like me to tell you what we've figured out? Maybe it will help you remember,” the man said when Felix gave no response. He looked like a rotting apple; wrinkled, gray, and completely lacking life. Felix hated it. "Last night, you were found unconscious on a park bench with five completely empty cans of beer, one unfinished. Do you recall this?"

Felix felt the tears pool in his eyes. He did remember. Finally, he nodded.

“Well, I am just here to tie up loose ends regarding what happened, not to nag. Is that all you remember?”

With a final nod from Felix, it seemed that the man was ready to move on. “Your parents will be coming in soon.” As if on cue, the door creaked open and a nurse peeked her head inside. "Felix, you have company."

The patient's eyes went wide and he shook his head violently, which did nothing but make his head throb even more. His family entered the room: his mother, father, and two sisters. Felix had a habit of associating people with things he found sweet or comforting, like candy or treats, but the people in front of him were lacking their usual sweetness.

His little sister Olivia was usually a lollipop, one of the rainbow ones that spiraled around and around. Rachel, the oldest, was a raspberry cream truffle, sophisticated yet delightful. His parents were complete opposites of each other, his mother like caramel and his father like peppermint, one was slow and warm, the other cool and hard.

The moment his mother entered the room, her eyes glistened, though there was nothing good about it. "Oh, Felix," she whispered, moving to sit on the bed and stroke his cheek. "My baby..."

His father did not have as much heart (but when did he ever?). Instead, he seemed disappointed. His eyes held a dry, painful fire. Felix couldn't blame him, though. Who would be proud to hear that their underage son had given himself alcohol poisoning?

Rachel was frowning, holding Olivia’s hand, even though the youngest was a middle schooler who did not need to be held.

Felix’s mother lifted his hand to kiss it, which really only pulled on the needle, but he didn't tell her. "Lix, what happened?"

He shrugged. "I made a little mistake. I didn't think I would end up like this."

It was the truth. He thought that he would have just died on the park bench sometime before morning.

His father spoke for the first time. “I can’t believe it.” His mother tried to stop him, but he shook his head. “It’s those guys you hang out with, isn’t it? They’re no good for you, Felix.”

“Dad, it wasn’t—”

“You were never like this. Ever since you started high school and you started hanging around those...those delinquents… They’re destroying you.”

Felix looked down. His chest filled with anger, choking him as he said, “They aren’t the ones destroying me.”

“Then who is?!”

Rachel and Olivia jumped at their father’s aggressive tone, and their mother widened her eyes in warning. Felix kept his head low. He didn’t have the heart to tell his father that he was destroying himself.

“Oh, god, this is fucking useless.”

He could feel his eyes burning, his already painful throat constricting even more. His head pounded so loudly that he couldn't even stand up for himself.

As if he could have stood up for himself anyway.

He was pathetic. He had always been pathetic. He was depressed and anxious and wanted to die. The only reason people didn't know that was because he looked indestructible, with his deep voice and dark clothes. Little did they know, it was just to cover up what was inside.

The nurse stepped in to say that Felix was in pain and stressed out, so he probably wouldn't be up for talking too much, so after a few more minutes and a small conversation with the doctor, his family left. The nurse walked over to him and leaned in to whisper, "Don't let yourself down. It's fine, and you'll be out in one more day if it all goes well."

Sure enough, the doctors ran more tests (most of which required him to pee in a cup) and he was out the next day. His parents came to pick him up, and thankfully, the ride home was silent. However, that didn’t stop his mother from lecturing him once they got inside the house.

“Honey, your father and I have been talking—”

Oh shit.

Olivia peeked out from around the corner, not catching the attention of the two adults, but failing to hide from Felix. The boy snarled at his sister, who retreated back into her room.

“We think it would be in your best interest to not hang around the people in your class.”

“You mean my friends?” Felix deadpanned.

His parents looked at each other. “Yes,” his mother answered sadly. “Look, baby—”

“Don’t ‘baby’ me. You guys can’t just blame my friends. They had nothing to do with what happened.”

“Felix, then why did you end up like this? You're a mess!” his father argued, his voice loud and rough. His mother shot him a look.

“Maybe they didn’t have anything to do with it directly, but they’re not a good influence. You stay out late, and although your father and I have let you do that, we still worry. And you even got piercings. Don’t you think of the example you're setting for your sister? She looks up to you and Rachel, and with Rachel out of the house, you're the one she sees. What’s that going to do to her?”

Felix wrinkled his nose. There was nothing he could do to save himself. His friends—sure, they may not be mama’s boys—were not horrible people. They never did anything illegal (outside of share booze with Felix) and no one was getting hurt. They were just like any other group of friends. It was Felix’s own fault that he ended up in the hospital. As for his sister, well, he wasn't doing anything wrong. If she ended up depressed like him, then so be it.

“So,” he mumbled, head still bowed, “what else?”

“I know you aren’t going to like this but…” His parents looked at each other again. “We’re moving.”

A muffled “what” came from down the hall.

“Olivia!” Felix growled, angry that his sister was still listening.

The youngest poked her head out the door. “We’re moving? Now?”

His mother shook her head, rubbing her temple with two fingers. “Let me explain; Felix is going to go live with Aunt Gina and Uncle Tony for the time being.”

“Wait a sec, Aunt Gina and Uncle Tony moved to South Korea!”

His mother nodded. “It's okay, you'll be with Chris and his friends. He’ll show you the ropes.”

“Mum!” Felix shouted. “I don't even speak Korean!”

His father interjected, to his disappointment. “Yes, you can! I raised you as a smart, Korean boy. You sure know Korean when people around you are speaking it.”

Felix wanted to say that understanding was different than speaking, but he was too scared to start a debate.

“Quiet, both of you,” his mother continued. “Felix, you'll go first to test the waters. The rest of us will follow when we sell the house.”

“All this because you think my friends are fucking me up?”

“Felix! I will not tolerate that kind of language in my house. Go to your room, now.”


	2. 2 - Out the Window

Night fell after what seemed like an eternity. He had mostly kept to himself the entire day, which worried his mother, but he assured her that he was fine, just in shock, and no, he wasn’t going to sneak out the window or something. 

The minute he heard snoring from the next room over, he put on his shoes and hit the front lawn. 

Scrolling through his phone, he made a call to Henry, his friend who worked at the liquor store. 

“Hello?” greeted a deep, sleepy voice. Like cinnamon, Felix had always thought, a bit raspy but deliciously so. 

“Meet me at the usual spot. Call Jason, too.” Before his friend could question him, he hung up. 

That meant that he still had to call another friend. A friend that was so special to Felix that he wasn’t sure he could bear to tell him the truth. 

The ringing stopped as his friend picked up the other line. “Lix, is something wrong?” 

His voice wavered as he answered. “Danny, come to the usual spot. I have to tell you guys something.” Just as quickly as before, he hung up. 

Upon arriving at the park, he was surprised to see Henry sitting there already, his orange hair sticking every which way like flames. 

“Felix, what’s up?” he asked, concern laced in his usually steady voice. 

“I’m waiting until the others come.”

Jason arrived next, still in his Oscar the Grouch pajama bottoms. Bleached hair, baby face studded with metal, a voice sweet like a burnt marshmallow. “‘Sup? Still waiting on prince charming?”

Felix groaned. “Not now, Jace.”

They could hear Danny before they saw him, and when they saw him—well, it was safe to say that Felix’s heart skipped a beat just like every other time. The boy, who was speeding down the sidewalk on his skateboard, was dressed for sleep, but still managed to look good. Even with his hair a bit too long and whipping in the wind, he looked beautiful. 

“Lix,” he called once he was closer. He left his board on the grass and grabbed his friend’s shoulders. (Dark coffee. Scalding, bitter, life-giving.)

“I’m moo—”

Felix choked on his words and buried his head in Danny’s chest. 

Jason laughed nervously. “You’re moo? Are you a cow now?”

“M-moving.” 

There was silence. Felix didn’t dare look up, but he could feel Danny deflate at his words. Someone behind him mumbled quietly. 

After crying into his friend’s chest for a while, he looked up. Jason’s hand’s were folded near his chin and his lips moved slightly. 

“I—I thought you were an atheist,” Felix said trying to make the atmosphere lighter. 

“I wish I wasn’t now, ‘cause maybe the big guy would answer my prayers.”

Felix looked down. “It’s my fault. It’s more like...my parents are sending me to live with my cousin in South Korea. I hear they’re all conservative fucks up there.” 

Henry frowned. “Lix, baby, what did you do?” 

Although Felix hated being called a baby, it was ok when his friends did it. He may have even liked it. But now, it only stressed him out. 

“I lied to you.” He waited a second before continuing. “The night I went into your store...it wasn’t for my dad.”

A multitude of expressions crossed Henry’s face. First came anger, then guilt, then sadness. “I don’t even know… Lix, I thought I could trust you. Don’t tell me you…?”

“Whatever you're thinking, you're probably right.”

Everyone sat in still silence for a bit, the only movement being when Danny pulled Felix into his side and nuzzled into his hair. 

“You’re amazing, baby. We love you,” Danny whispered. “I never want you to leave me...uh, us.”

“Someone’s being selfish,” Jason joked, though the usual brightness in his voice was lost. “Are they going to...you know...let you see a therapist in Korea?”

Felix shrugged. His friends had mentioned it before, but he had told them that he didn’t need pills, that he just needed to feel the wind in his face and his friends by his side. It seemed as though he would have neither of those anymore. 

“I’ll miss you guys. My—my parents think you're the problem.”

Danny pulled away and lifted Felix’s face. “Lix, I...we love you. How could we be the problem?”

“I didn't say—”

“Fuck it, Felix,” Danny said. He pulled the freckled boy closer and planted a frantic kiss on his lips. “Fuck it, I love you! Y’gotta stay!” he wailed. 

Felix, still being a bit shocked by the kiss, held his friend still. “Danny, they already got tickets.”

“Fuckin’ return them! You can’t… Be my boyfriend, Lix. They can’t make you leave your—”

“Danny,” Henry warned. “You can't be like this. We can’t stop it from happening.”

The black haired boy scowled. “Do you want him to fuckin’ leave, mate? He can’t leave!”

“Do you really think that his parents wanna hear one of his delinquent friends is actually his boyfriend? Danny, are you even thinking?”

The group grew quiet again. Danny got up, his breathing heavy and erratic, and paced around. Jason went back to praying, silently. Henry just sat there, an unreadable expression on his face. 

Felix tried to not think about how he would be torn from his friends—his medicine— in less than 24 hours. 

After what seemed like an eternity, Danny came back to the group. “When do you leave?” he asked. His voice had lost all of the energy it once had. 

“Tomorrow night.”

Danny twisted the ring off his finger and held out his hand. Felix lifted his own and watched as Danny slipped the ring on his thumb. “Here.”

Felix looked down at the ring. He knew it as Danny’s favorite, always on his left ring finger. He used to joke that he was married to a pretty pirate girl since the ring was a skull with crossbones. 

“It’s for you. Don’t forget me.” Danny’s face remained blank as he wrapped his arms around Felix. His warm breath tickled his ear. “Find someone, a guy or girl or whoever, someone who’s gonna love you. I wish I had taken up the challenge sooner.” With that, he retrieved his board and sped down the sidewalk. 

“Lix,” Jason said, standing up. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Felix said, deep voice suddenly flimsy and squeaky. His friend didn’t joke about it, which almost hurt him. Instead, he leaned in for a hug. Henry joined them a second later. 

Too soon, the hug was broken. Jason said goodbye first, walking away slowly. Since it was dark Felix couldn't be sure, but he thought he saw his friend rub at his eyes. 

Henry smiled slightly. “Come on, we’ll see each other again. Maybe not soon, but it’ll happen.” Felix smiled back at that thought and watched his friend walk away. “See ya later, mate!” he called back. 

Felix would be ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!!!! thanks for reading


	3. 3.0 - Welcome to South Korea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hello! i am back! please post comments so i can know if i should continue

The airport was terrifying. Felix, who had only been to the airport once to wave goodbye to Chris’s family when he was six, now stood alone in the line for security. He assured his parents that he would be able to do it on his own, but suddenly he was having doubts. 

A man in a white button-down covered in badges yelled, waving his gloved hands and telling people to move along. “Everything in the bin, electronics out of your bags, people, not that hard!” Felix quickly took his laptop out of his backpack and placed it next to his phone. 

After a few more nerve-racking encounters, he finally found himself on the plane to South Korea. 

Hours later, he found himself sitting shotgun in Chris’s worn out minivan, listening to his cousin for the first time in years. He was just how he remembered him; like a flaky pastry with many layers and sugary frosting on the outside. 

“My mum prepared a room for you. We’ll help you get settled for the day, then we were thinking we could go out to eat, ya know, if you were up for it.”

Felix nodded. “Great! Thank you so much for letting me stay.”

_ I hate being here. _

Chris laughed. “Oh, also, I’ll introduce my friends to you tomorrow. I think you’ll love them.”

“Ah, really? So soon?” 

“I already told them about you. They're pretty excited.”

Felix smiled. “Well, I'll be excited too.”

_ I fucking hate this.  _

  
  
  


The city was ugly. The roads were in great need of repaving, cracks and potholes everywhere. Plastic crates littered the sidewalks in front of what Chris told him were take-out restaurants. Cars were parked messily in the dip between the road and the sidewalk, colorful oil leaking onto the asphalt. Storefronts were decorated with plain, large signs containing boring text that Felix could not read. It was all foreign and terrifying to him. 

When they arrived at the Bang house, Felix could hardly tell how a house could be shaped like such. Chris pulled his dingy car into a low garage located under the building. The two walked down the sidewalk to the gate at the front, which opened to the stairs leading to the front door. Chris unlocked it, and Felix realized that he would be spending a lot of time in the drab, gray building. 

The interior was a bit nicer. After Felix shed his shoes in the doorway, he entered the living room, which was decorated with floral drapes, a china cabinet, and a small flat-screen TV that looked out of place sitting on an antique stand. Chris led him to the outdated kitchen, where his aunt was waiting. 

Auntie Gina was the way Felix always remembered her: thin, pale, and always shoving food under Felix’s nose. Like a string of frosting, he thought, which seemed to make sense as Uncle Tony was like dough and their son was a pastry. The moment he walked through the door, Aunt Gina greeted him with a big hug and then proceeded to ask if he was hungry. 

“Mum, Lix is probably tired from the plane ride. Give it a rest,” Chris joked. 

On his way to his new room, his cousin informed him that his uncle was still at work, but his mother had taken the day off to make sure the house was ready. Felix thanked him, then excused himself so he could unpack.

Instead of unpacking, he spread out on the bed. The sheets had the distinct smell of an old closet; not pungent, but just noticeably  _ old _ . Just like in the living room, the guest room had heavy floral drapes that should have been dusty, but it was clear that his aunt had thoroughly cleaned the room. 

Felix checked his phone for messages from his friends, but it seemed as though the device was confused after the plane ride. He threw it on the floor and twisted the cheap ring on his finger. 

He didn’t know how long he had been lying in bed, nor when he fell asleep, but he woke up to Chris shaking his shoulder. “Y’okay? You’ve been sleeping a while.”

Felix rubbed his eyes and sat up. “Sorry. I’m really tired.” He paused, then smiled brightly. “Better now.”

_ My chest hurts.  _

Chris smiled. “Good. Wanna go to dinner?”

The sound of Felix’s stomach answered before he could even think. 


	4. 3.5 - Welcome to the Park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> another update? back 2 back? its more likely than you think

A loud jingle woke Felix up the next morning. He blindly hit the off button.

_ I’m not in Sydney anymore.  _

He began his morning by sulking around the Bang household guest room, wondering when his phone service would turn back on. After a knock on the door reminded him that Chris wanted to introduce him to his friends, he decided to get ready to start the day. He rummaged through his suitcase until he found a pair of jeans that had not been ripped too much from skateboarding and a button-down school uniform shirt. He assumed that his band tees and black sweatshirts would not set a good first impression. 

He found Chris at the kitchen counter, buttering some toast. “Mornin’ Lix. Ready to see my friends? We’re gonna go to the park since that’s where we usually meet up.”

_ The park was our usual spot, too. _

“Ah, great!”

_ I don't really wanna see anyone right now.  _

With a piece of toast for each of them, they got on their way. Chris pointed out random things, like the old lady that always gave him her spare change, or the cafe that was run by his friend’s father. (Felix hated that he could read  _ Cafe Fofo _ in English on the front.) There were other places that Chris told him he should stay away from, like the alley behind the butcher, or the abandoned building that seemed to be under construction.

Across the street from the construction site was the park. Essentially, it was a clearing of brown grass abutting a packed sand playground. Somewhere beyond the playground, the grass (in all its glory) started up again, and two boys were sitting at a picnic table on a patch of dirt.

“Those are my friends. I already told them you were coming.” Chris waved dramatically to the two boys, and one waved back just as theatrically. The other laughed and lifted a hand for a much smaller wave. 

The dramatic boy called something in Korean, but Felix couldn’t quite tell what he had said. When they finally made it to the table, Chris sat on top. “Guys, this is my cousin Felix. He’s from Australia.”

“Hi Felix,” they both said in unison. The quieter one spoke up first, in surprisingly perfect English. “My name is Seungmin, and this is Hyunjin. Nice to meet you!”

“Nice to meet you too,” Felix said, putting on his sweetest smile. The two boys said something quickly to Chris, and Felix could make out ‘neomu gwiyeowo’— _ so cute _ . 

“Ah, so you just came from Australia yesterday?” Seungmin started. Felix could tell he was sweet in every sense of the word, and at the pop sound that came from inside the rosy-cheeked boy’s mouth, Felix knew that he was going to be bubble gum. 

He nodded his head to acknowledge the question. 

“How old are you?” Hyunjin questioned. When Felix said that he was still seventeen, Hyunjin smiled. He was a bit harder to figure out, but Felix knew it was something warm, just because that was how he felt when Hyunjin’s attractive voice cooed at him. “Aw, baby! Are you going to go to school? The second semester starts later in August.”

School. “I don’t—”

“Lix is on medical leave,” Chris spoke up. 

Suddenly, Hyunjin waved wildly and called in Korean. (Felix knew this one.) “Good morning Jeonginnie!” 

A boy ran towards them, smiling widely and waving. “Hello, Felix! My name is Yang Jeongin,” the boy—Jeongin—said in carefully rehearsed English. 

Felix muttered a shy “nice to meet you” in Korean. 

“Jeonginnie is a grade below us,” Seungmin said, ruffling the cute boy’s hair. “He's not great at English, though.” Jeongin pouted, but he didn't bother standing up for himself. Cotton candy automatically came to mind because of a fluffy pink sweater and baby blue elastics on his braces. 

Felix smiled, but inside, his mind was screaming. There was nothing wrong with the boys sitting in front of him; in fact, they seemed quite friendly. However, he was bothered by the fact that  _ his  _ friends weren't sitting there, on the park bench like they used to. Or worse, his friends were all sitting on a park bench without him. 

Before he could go deeper into his thoughts, two more boys walked towards them, chatting on their way over. The shorter one almost skipped over to the bench and reached his hand out for Felix to shake. “Hey! I'm Jisung! This dumbass is Minho.” 

Minho smiled and waved suspiciously as if he knew he was just offended but he didn’t know how.

“Chan has already told me so much about you,” Jisung continued in his hyperactive manner. He was, without a doubt, double chocolate cake: completely overwhelming in the nicest way possible. 

Felix took the hand, a bit confused. “Chan…”

“Me,” Chris confirmed. “Ya needa do Korean names in Korea.”

Jisung bounced up and down, Felix’s hand still locked in his hold. “Do you have a Korean name, Felix?”

Felix shook his head, but Chris had already squeaked out “Yongbok.” 

“Don’t ever say that again,” Felix groaned, trying to ignore the chuckles and the chorus of ‘it's not  _ that _ bad’ behind him. 

Thankfully, they paused the conversation to greet another friend. The boy—rather,  _ man _ —introduced himself as Woojin, then immediately made his way to Chris, where he immediately pulled the curly-haired boy to his chest. Felix made a mental note to ask his cousin about Woojin. 

Chris broke the silence with a loud sigh, then spoke in Korean. (Felix supposed that Chris should be called  _ Chan _ when he wasn't speaking English.) “Where’s Changbin? Has anyone talked to him?”

The unmistakable noise of a skateboard on the pavement made Felix look up. He could clearly see a boy coming into focus. 

“Ah, speak of the devil.”

The boy had an uncanny resemblance to Danny, in both the way he arrived at group meetings and how he dressed. He wore all black, save for the white shirt peeking out from under his oversized hoodie. There was a beanie on his head, and though his hair was much shorter than his Australian counterpart, it was just as black. 

Felix could feel his stomach churn at the thought of the friend he was forced to leave behind. 

Changbin placed his skateboard near the table and waved to Felix. “Sorry, I…” He struggled to find the English words. Felix knew how it felt to be at a loss with a different language, so he decided to step in. 

“It's alright. It's nice to meet you, Changbin.”

The black-clad boy smiled and sat down in a spot beside Jisung, one spot away from Felix himself. 

Chan clapped his hands. “Yay! Everyone’s finally here.

Felix listened to the group of friends converse, all the while thinking of how he could be doing the same with his friends back home.  _ No _ , he thought to himself,  _ this is home now _ . But as much as he tried to convince his brain that it was his home, it wouldn't reach his heart. 

  
  
  


“So how'd you like them?” Chris asked as he walked Felix back to the Bang house. 

Felix smiled. “They're nice.” 

“Are you just saying that? You don't need to lie to please me.”

Felix truly wasn't lying. “I like them a lot. I just miss my own friends, y’know?” Before Chris could pester him further, he decided to ask, “What’s up with the teddy...uh, Woojin?”

Chris was noticeably flustered. “I...well, it sure has been a while, Lix.” He laughed nervously before continuing. “Woojin and I are...together. Like, dating.”

Felix’s eyes widened at that, which made his cousin panic a little. “Don’t worry, it’s not like that. Actually...I thought everyone here was gonna be super conservative and, ya know…”

“People here can be assholes, but I can assure you that my friends are good people. Others make fun of us because we’re kinda  _ different _ , but we all help each other up.”

They continued on wordlessly for a few steps until Chris spoke up again. “What did you used to do with your friends, Lix? We really haven't talked much since I moved.”

It was true, and Felix was sorry for that. He explained how his friends loved to skateboard, and how they would sometimes goof off on the steps of the public library before the librarians came out to scare them away. When they weren't skating, they were hanging around the park, sometimes hanging upside down from trees until strangers threatened to call the police. He didn't mention how they drank on occasion since it was never enough to be harmful. He also didn't mention the stick n’ pokes that Danny had inked along his hips. 

“We were kinda...delinquents, I guess. That's why my parents sent me here.”

Chris nodded in understanding. “The guys really like to dance. Like, they aren't the party type, they like the art. And some of the guys write music. Seungmin reads a lot, maybe you’ll find something you guys share in common.”

“Probably not. I don't read Korean books.”

Chris shrugged. “Minnie reads a lot of popular English books, too.” He thought for a moment before adding, “Changbin skates, and Hyunjin does sometimes. Maybe you could hang around them? I could set a meetup for you guys if you want.”

Felix tried to contain the urge to lash out at his cousin. “I’m not looking to replace my friends.” 

“This isn't replacing them, it's just trying to find what you have in common with—”

“Thanks, Chris, but I just wanna get back home as soon as possible.”

_ Shouldn't have said that, shouldn't have said that, shouldn't have... _

“Five more minutes,” he stated lifelessly. 

That wasn't the home Felix was referring to, however. 


	5. 4.0 - Changbin Likes to Skateboard Too

Felix decided that he would venture out on his own for the first time. Chris had a doctor’s appointment, and though he promised that he would take Felix places after the appointment, the younger wanted to be on his own. He thanked his cousin before grabbing his skateboard and heading in the direction of the park. 

Being away from Australia felt weird to him. He had left behind his  _ medicine _ , a syrupy cocktail of friendship and skateboarding. He considered his music to be  _ therapy _ , something that gave him advice and was always there in his time of need. But in the end, the medicine was really what did all the work, resetting his chemicals and whatnot. 

He took half a dose of medicine that day when he stepped on that skateboard, the only half of his medicine that he had been able to take with him. Usually, he didn't need therapy while he was on his medicine; it did more than enough to make him feel better. But there was something about half a dose that felt like no dose at all. He came to a halt on his skateboard and put his headphones on. From then on, he was lost in his own little world.

It was only when his stomach grumbled that he realized it was two in the afternoon and he hadn't had breakfast. Reluctantly, he turned his music down and left his space in search of food. He didn't feel like going back to the Bang house just yet, so he went in search of some cheap shop with something small he could pick up. There were a few bills in the pocket of his hoodie, not yet crumbled since they were fairly new. 

He took his skateboard farther down the road until he spotted a tiny hole-in-the-wall restaurant. It seemed a bit shady, with no windows and only two bicycles parked outside indicating that there were people there. However, the gigantic posters of ramen made his stomach grumble. He picked up his board and discreetly carried it into the shop, hoping no one would notice. 

Thankfully, the place was fairly empty, and the middle-aged woman at the counter didn't seem to care when he went up to place his order. A few minutes later, a bowl of ramen and a coke were placed in front of him. 

There were many seats available, so he figured he could sit in the corner. He didn't notice Chris’s friend, however, but the boy noticed him. 

_ Changbin...he looks like… _

The black-haired boy smiled slightly and stood up.

_ He's gonna sit with me _ .

But Felix couldn't find it in himself to get annoyed. Maybe it was because the boy resembled—

“Hey, Felix.” 

“Hi, Changbin.”

“Can I sit with you?” There was that small smile again, and Felix was beginning to realize that it was a big smile, only small because of a delicate mouth. 

He realized that was the difference between Changbin and Danny. Changbin was small, but his expressions were as big and bright as he could make them. And Danny was  _ big _ , with a wide smile that rarely blessed his pale face. 

Changbin placed his soda on the table and sat down. “Coke really is the best.”

Felix chuckled. “I don't even know why people drink Pepsi when Coke exists.” 

Only the slurps of Felix’s ramen could be heard for a few moments.  _ Fuck, this is kinda embarrassing,  _ he thought, but it would be more embarrassing for his stomach to voice its displeasure while there was a bowl of steaming food right in front of him. 

“Where’s Chan? Did you come with him?” Changbin asked, looking around. 

Felix took a second to swallow his food before saying, “No, he had a doctor’s appointment. I went to the park.”

“Ah,” Changbin nodded. “You skateboard?”

Felix let out an amused noise when he heard Changbin say “seukeiteu bodeu”. He had always loved koreanized English words for some odd reason, besides the fact that he knew what they were saying. “Yeah. I loved to back at home.”

Changbin’s smile came again, but this time it was small and sad. “Do you miss home?”

Felix could only nod and take another mouthful of ramen. 

“I know a skatepark nearby.”

_ Cute. “Seukeiteu pakeu.” _

“I don't have my board today,” Changbin continued, “but I could pick you up at Chan’s tomorrow if you don't have plans.”

“Really? I would love to go!” 

_ I think I really want to go.  _

“I’ll be there around noon, then. We can buy lunch near the skatepark.”

Felix finally let out a genuine smile. 


	6. 4.5 - And He's Really Good

It was ten minutes to one when the doorbell rang. Felix, who had been making an effort to sit in the living room more often, jumped from the couch and grabbed his skateboard. 

“Who is it?” Chris called out from the kitchen, walking into the living room with a dishrag in hand. 

“It's Changbin,” Felix answered, going to open the door. 

Chris nodded. “You guys skating today?” There was a smug look in his eyes that Felix surely didn't like, something akin to ‘I told you so’ and ‘I knew you would come around’. He ignored it and walked out the door with Changbin. 

“See ya later, cos’!” 

As they made their way to the sidewalk, Felix noticed that Changbin wore earrings, two on the ear he could see. “Who did your piercings?” Felix questioned aloud, not registering what an odd question that was. 

Changbin put his board on the ground and pushed it back and forth under one foot. “Uh, my cousin works at a piercing place, she did them all at once last year.” The black-haired boy took a look at Felix’s single piercing. “What about you?”

“A friend did it for me.” They kicked off their boards and slowly cruised down the middle of the empty street. “Hurt like a bitch, so I didn't let him do the other one.”

At least Changbin laughed at that. “Think you're gonna do the other side?”

Felix thought for a moment. “Only if Danny does it. I feel like it would be weird for him to do one side and not the other.”

“Yeah,” Changbin agreed, pointing to the right as they came upon an intersection. “If I wanted a fourth, I would have Minhee do it...my cousin.”

After a few more turns and small talk, they arrived at the skatepark. It was bigger than the one back home, he noticed. There was a variety of different ramps and railings for people to practice on, and there were already some fashionably dressed kids doing tricks. Unlike the place he was used to, this one was completely devoid of vandalism, no graffiti on the concrete or trash on every stair. It seemed almost too pristine to ride on. 

“Do you like it?” Changbin inquired, paused next to Felix as the boy admired the park. 

“It's...nice, for sure.”

It's unfamiliar and scary. 

He knew he shouldn't be scared. It was just a regular skatepark. If anything, the one back at home was more dangerous, with crushed beer cans and guys with cigarettes hanging on their lips. A hand on his arm snapped him back to reality, and he was met with Changbin’s smile. 

“Come on, let's just skate around first.” He grabbed Felix’s wrist and slowly pulled the boy behind him. When he was sure he would move, he let go and they were on their way. 

The fear slowly melted away as Felix felt the wind in his hair. He was ok, he would make it. He would survive Korea.

Felix would not survive Korea. Not with Changbin’s sweet smile and dark clothes and his skateboard. He was so similar to Danny, yet so different at the same time. His heart raced whenever Changbin cheered him on through his tricks, as lame as they were. He could feel himself heating up whenever Changbin smiled. His heart almost burst when Changbin wrapped an arm around him and laughed about how good he was. 

He thinks I'm good.

For Changbin to say he was good meant that he was doing something right. The dark-haired boy was a master, kicking off railings and doing everything imaginable. Even some other skaters stopped to watch his tricks. He was amazing. 

And Felix was good. 

“Wanna grab something to eat?” Changbin asked. “There's a vendor at the corner over there.”

They each got a slice of pizza and carefully brought it to the grass near the concrete park. 

“Jeez, I'm sweating,” Changbin groaned, taking off his sweatshirt. Underneath was a black tank top with a big white anarchy symbol. 

And strong arms.

“W-wow,” Felix mumbled. 

Changbin chuckled, staring at the pizza on his plate. “I didn’t realize this was the shirt I was wearing.”

“I like it,” Felix admitted, picking up his own pepperoni slice and taking a quick bite. “Hah!” he yelled, putting the steaming pizza back on the plate. 

He normally would have been embarrassed with someone cackling their head off at his stupidity, but Changbin was just so cute (and his horrid laugh sounded like SpongeBob, which Felix found funny) so he would tolerate the attention. 

When they had calmed down, Felix caught sight of a black mark on the inside of Changbin’s elbow. “You have a tattoo?”

The older boy smiled shyly and rubbed a hand over the inked skin. “Yeah...it’s stupid.” 

“Can I see?”

Changbin shrugged, but ultimately pulled his hand away. Thin letters read “DIE FOR THE HYPE” with a little cross beneath it. “Chan got mad when I got it.”

“Do you know what it means?”

The boy nodded sheepishly. “It means that some are willing to do anything for a cry for help, basically,” he explained in Korean. “Die so people will notice you, ya know.”

“Do you…” Felix trailed off, not quite sure why the question crossed his mind. Do you want to die?

Changbin tittered quietly as if he understood what Felix had begun to ask. “Don’t we all at some point?” He looked down at his pizza and poked the cheese with his finger. “Let’s eat. It’s getting cold.”

“I hope you had fun today,” a particular short boy mumbled, pushing his skateboard back and forth under his foot. 

Felix smiled. “I did, really.” He was proud that it was the truth. 

Changbin looked up from under his fringe, a small smile on his lips. “Good. Can...can we exchange numbers? To try to plan another trip to the skatepark?”

The blonde nodded fervently, pulling his phone out of his pocket and handing it to the older boy to create a contact. After a few seconds, the phone was back in Felix’s hand and he waved goodbye to Changbin, who was already at the sidewalk. “See ya!” the boy yelled before skating out of sight.  
When Felix got into the house, he sent a message to Changbin

Felix Lee  
hi its felix 

Changbinnie <3  
hey i just got home :)  
i had fun skating with someone who actually enjoys it  
hyunjin only does it to look cool tbh  
dont tell him i said that :0

Felix Lee  
haha hyung  
i wont tell  
and i had fun too :3 really

Changbinnie <3  
aw you're such a cutie  
if you wanna go tomorrowwwww  
im always there :) feel free to join me!

Felix Lee  
thank you hyung!!


	7. 5.0 - Felix Loves Danny

Felix finally had time to Skype Danny. The black-haired boy’s lazy voice filtered through the speaker, talking about how boring it was in Australia. After about an hour, he admitted, “Everyone is so depressed. More than usual. I feel hopeless without you.” A nervous chuckle, then: “I miss you.”

“I miss you too. Call me every day. We can get through this. Together.”

He knew that he was special to Danny. He was the only person that the dark-haired boy ever told about his problems. While Felix vented to whoever was around him, Danny only trusted Felix. And now that Felix wasn’t there, who could Danny trust?

“I’m sorry, mate,” Felix shakily apologized. He felt like a blubbering fish, salty tears running into the corners of his mouth. 

“Mate?” Danny said softly. “Is that what I am?”

Felix laughed, though it sounded more like a cough and a wail. “Baby.”

He could tell that Danny was crying too, but he was much more composed than Felix. “I miss you so much.”

They stayed on Skype a while longer, the ugly noises of their crying filling each other’s ears. Felix wiped the last of his tears off his face. “I’m not letting you off if you’re gonna cry more.”

“I’m done,” Danny said, his voice more nasally than usual. “Promise.”

“I’m done too. Promise,” Felix answered back.

Danny chuckled, then mumbled a “love you.”

And that was that. 

  
  


Ever since Felix met Danny, the two had been inseparable, for the most part. Though they were in different grades (Danny being two years ahead of Felix) they managed to have lunch together almost every day until the older graduated. After graduation, they went to the skatepark every day until Felix left. 

Danny and Felix were so close that their friends would joke that they were dating. And sure, they were pretty close—hell, Felix had let Danny give him tattoos and a piercing. And they did snuggle in bed a lot. And they held hands sometimes. And they did have that one kiss. 

That kiss. Felix wished he could have another. 


	8. 5.5 - Felix Loves Changbin Too

The rest of the week was spent hanging out with Chris and his friends at either the park or the fried chicken place across from there. As the days went by, he got used to the crooked sidewalks and the oil that pooled on the side of the road. The cracks in the pavement became less noticeable, and the only time he remembered the potholes was when Chris’s old car swerved to avoid them. 

He got used to the brown grass at the park and the dusty playground that turned his shoes gray. He got used to the ugly store signs and the sketchy windowless buildings that turned out to be not-so-sketchy after all. 

He got used to Chris and Woojin silently holding hands under the table and eating chicken for lunch almost every day. He got used to Jisung’s loud joking and Hyunjin’s hysterical laughter. He got used to the quiet Seungmin and Minho, who would speak up only to add a snide remark. And he got used to Jeongin being the baby of the group despite being only a bit younger than Seungmin. 

What he didn’t get used to: Changbin. 

Changbin always seemed to catch him by surprise. From his dark exterior to his adorable personality, nothing was as it seemed with the older boy. He claimed to “love dark” but it really only applied to his fashion sense, as he was afraid of the actual dark and slept with a nightlight and a plushie. He drank his coffee black, but with at least six spoons of sugar, Felix noticed one day when the two of them stopped for a snack after a visit to the skatepark. 

Hot coffee. 

Changbin was like Danny, but he was also not like Danny. Changbin’s nose was small and straight, and Danny’s was endearingly crooked. Changbin was short, while Danny stood at almost six feet tall. Changbin saw Felix as a skatepark buddy, while Danny saw Felix as something more than just a friend.

Sometimes, Felix wished that Changbin saw him the way Danny did, just because the short boy was so similar to Danny in his mannerisms and interests, in his dark coffee personality. Scalding, bitter, life-giving. 


	9. 6 - Late Night Walks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> felix goes for a walk at 2 am. something unexpected happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so just as an a.n. this chapter is kinda plot divergent but i really like it so after some thought, i'm posting it anyways :3

It was half-past two at night when Felix decided that he wanted to go for a walk. He had never seen the area at night, as Chris’s friends always went home at dark, and he hadn’t sneaked out of the house yet. Though, if you asked him, sneaking out required climbing out the window, but his window was too high up. So since sneaking out was impossible, he used the front door. 

He shuffled his way to the park. It was somewhat difficult without landmarks, as the streets were too dark to make out more than vague shapes, but he had made his way down these sidewalks so many times that it was almost a second nature. He hid in a storefront once when a car drove by, headlights on full force, but the trek was mostly uneventful. 

By the time he got to the park, he was in need of a place to rest his tired legs. As he was making his way to the picnic table that seemed like a second home, he noticed a dark figure hunched over the structure. His breath halted as he stared at the mysterious shadow in the distance, and he resisted the urge to scream when the shadow  _ moved _ and seemed to notice him too. Petrified in fear, he stared back in the direction of the picnic table. 

_ Oh no, what’s he reaching for? I’m gonna get shot, oh god, not now _ — _ ah! _

He closed his eyes as a horribly bright phone flashlight shined in his direction. 

“Felix?”

His heart jumped out of his chest as he heard his name being called by the scary blob at the picnic table. 

“Changbin?”

He rubbed the spots from his eyes walked a little closer, footsteps quicker than before. “What are you doing here?”

Changbin left his flashlight on as Felix walked closer, then promptly turned it off as he reached the table. “I could ask you the same thing.”

“I couldn’t sleep and I like sneaking out,” he retorted, sitting across from the older. “What’s your story?”

Changbin sighed and picked at the splintered wood. Snapping a piece off, he stated, “Shit happened at home and I’m tired.”

Felix, though he could not see the boy’s face, could tell that he was tired from the way his voice drawled at the ends of his sentences and how his shadowy figure slumped over the table. As if on cue, Changbin groaned and cradled his head in his arms on the table.

“Are you ok?” was all Felix could muster.

The older shook his head, still hiding in the baggy sleeves of his hoody. “No,” was the muffled reply. 

“I wanna help,” Felix said. Changbin lifted his head up. “Aren’t you afraid of the dark? Should we—”

“Whoever said that?” Changbin questioned. 

“You did.”

“Ah…” A pause after that, then, “Most of the time, yes. But sometimes it makes me feel like I don’t exist. And...if I don’t exist, nothing can hurt me.”

Felix frowned and reached his hands over the table, not quite touching the boy across from him. When Changbin’s fingers met his, he managed a smile onto his face. His skin was warm and dry, and his short nailed itched up and down Felix’s palms. “That tickles.”

Changbin giggled and rubbed the skin he had been ghosting over. “Better?”

Felix nodded. “Can we turn on a light? I can’t see your face.” Before the question was finished, Felix pulled out his phone and turned on the flashlight. In front of him sat a messy-haired boy with red eyes and puffy cheeks, a bit of skin torn up on his chapped lips from nervous biting. A dark sweatshirt engulfed his small body and the collar of a white t-shirt wrapped crooked around his neck. 

_ Beautiful.  _

Changbin smiled slightly, only setting off another fire inside the boy on the other side of the table. “I must look like a wreck.” He looked down shyly and reached back for Felix’s hands. 

“I don’t think you could look like a wreck if you tried,” Felix whispered, playing with the boy’s fingers. They sat in silence for a moment before Changbin sighed and pulled his hands away, leaving the picnic table and running a few steps away. 

Felix looked after the other, watching as his silhouette sniffed and rubbed at his eyes. “Hyung,” he started feebly. Why did he think that it was ok to act so familiar around Changbin? They were barely friends, only acquaintances bonding over skating and Chris. Practically strangers. 

Felix felt too comfortable around Changbin. 

“No,” the older boy whined, waving an arm. Felix waited until Changbin inhaled deeply, then came to sit beside him. “I’m not always like this,” the boy mumbled, his shoulder brushing against Felix’s arm. “You caught me at a bad time.”

“I’m glad I did,” Felix stated, earning a gasp from Changbin. “You would have been alone,” was his clarification. 

“What if...I wanted to be alone?” Changbin asked, his voice small. 

“Did you?”

A second, then, “No.”

  
  
  


Changbin had walked home alone that night, telling Felix that it would be ok, and they both lived in opposite directions. Felix had reluctantly complied, only because it was nearing 3:30 and he should go home before someone found out he was missing. At a quarter to four, he unlocked the front door to a light in the kitchen. 

_ Weird.  _ He didn’t remember leaving a light on when he left. He shuffled towards the doorway to find Chris standing like a deer in the headlights, barefoot in his plaid boxers with a steaknife in his hand. 

“ _ Jesus _ , Lix!” he whispered, putting the utensil back in the drawer. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“I hope you're lying,” Felix joked, causing his cousin to roll his eyes. “Why are you up?”

“Why are  _ you _ up?”

_ Not again. _

“I figured, I’ve been here ten, well, eleven days now and I haven’t gone for a walk in the dead of night yet.”

Chris hoisted himself onto the counter beside a glass of milk. “Do you usually go for walks in the dead of night?”

“Do you usually sit on kitchen countertops in the dead of night?”

Chris nodded, scrunching his toes and swinging his legs back and forth. “Insomnia.”

“Ah,” Felix nodded, eyeing the cup on the counter. “Have you tried tea?”

His cousin chuckled lightly. “I’ve tried every trick in the book. At this point, I’ve probably drunk three cows dry just trying to get myself to sleep.”

“Tonight?”

“No, idiot. Go to bed. You need eight hours.”

“But—”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m going to bed soon.” 

Felix nodded, his eyelids suddenly feeling heavy as he made his way to the guest room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what song does this chapter remind you of? it can be stray kids or anyone else :3
> 
> thank you for reading! again, comments are greatly appreciated. don't be shy!


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